It's been a long time since I last held you but it only seems like yesterday.
It seems not that long ago that I saw your little face in the window when I was leaving for work.
Has it really been 3 years since I felt your curls between my fingers?
Some of your things still cling onto your smell...fading so very slowly.
Your room is still much the same but gradually we're preparing for the day that your small big brother will move in. He is already taking over your toys.
What happened to you still feels as surreal as it did then but in a weird way we have accepted it as the very sad chapter of our lives that it is. This is the weirdest mix of acceptance, confusion and sadness I have ever experienced. Getting used to living with your loss in our lives is happening gradually but this acceptance is a little unsettling at times.
I don't like the way feeling your absence is becoming normal to me.
I often wonder what is like where you are. I wonder if you miss us. I hope you are at peace. I'd love to think that you check in on us every now and then.
Is Debbie there with you? If you ask Eoghan where she is, he will still tell you that she has gone for a cup of tea. I always picture her with a big mug of tea, watching you play; minding you. If you see her, tell her we miss her lots...just like we miss you.
I am sure you are proud of your little brother. He is keeping us on our toes and making us laugh. He has your mischievous nature and I am sure the pair of you would get up to all sorts of devilment if you were around. He is totally in love with his "motorbike" right now...you know, the little balancing bike that your uncle and aunt gave him for Christmas.
You should be starting school this year, you know. I think you would come home every day teaching Eoghan what you learned. I also think he would be insanely jealous of you being able to go on the school mini bus.
Last night, I found Tipoki curled up in your cot...on your sleeping bag...next to your Timmy. He never misses a chance to sneak in there, you know. I think he still keeps looking for you every now and then.
Your daddy and I are doing alright. We miss you. We don't understand what happened and never will. We keep looking for answers. We try raising awareness. Above all, we love you loads and will always do.
You should be 5 soon. Instead, you'll always be our curly haired little tot who loves Tipoki, birdies, sheep, books and broccoli.
Mind yourself my darling. Big hugs and love always,
Mammy
www.sudc.org
