Despite the huge levels of anxiety, I think I took most of those firsts in my stride and better than I had anticipated. Though perhaps the poor husband might beg to differ. Let's just say I do not travel well and do not deal well with the standard stresses and annoyances of travel...never mind adding my past history on top of that mix!
And in between our two foreign trips to Germany (family) and the UK (work) was Patrick's birthday.
On April 5th, the day that we also remembered our own 11 year anniversary of going out, Patrick should have turned 4. There should have been cake and mayhem and instead there was a quiet trip to the graveyard with a bunch of flowers and later to the beach where we released a huge balloon. Later still, we released a chinese lantern (and for once did not almost accidentally burn down the neighbourhood in the process!).
Between the trips away and everything, I never got a chance to put his usual birthday rememberance in the paper either....Something I feel guilty about. After all:
He does not get an anniversay mass because he was a child, therefore sin-free and thus not in need of an annual anniversary mass absolving him of his sins.
That may be so but apart from the sin thing, anniversary masses are nice for remembering loved ones and for bringing family and friends together to do so. It forces us to take a couple of hours out of our busy schedules and devote them to that person...with everyone being in the same place for that purpose.
I know I know, Patrick will always be remembered and people think about him often. But you know what? Sometimes I just want physical proof of that. Like an anniversary mass, an anniversary notice or a birthday rememberance in the paper. Rightly or wrongly so (probably the latter), for me it is a measure of how much people care. Admittedly (and thus far only the husband knows my true feelings on that), I feel a pang of jealousy when I see those birthday rememberances with loads and loads of entries in them.
Because it feels life just race on ahead. Memories fade. Time can be scarce. And I need those moments to acknowledge to myself and my weird new world around me that he once was physically part of us; that his laughter filled our house and his toys were strewn around the floor.
And even though this process means opening up wounds that were beginning to heal, I welcome those moments of pain, utter sadness and wanting to cry my eyes out.
In between living our new lives as best as we can, those moments prove to me that at least I am not forgetting.
Miss you heaps, Sproggy
xxx
P.S. Interesting note: Seems the physical symptoms I had were probably mostly caused by anxiety, stress, etc. So. At the end of the day, it was all in my head. Good thing, really, because it is great to know one is healthy in body at least. The mind will hopefully sort itself out.
Interesting though...Who'd have thought that this sort of thing can have such physical manifastations!
