Thursday 25 October 2012

The Rat Race

So, how has the return to the rat race been?

It's been 3 weeks since I rejoined the work force after pretty much a full year off. While I was absolutely dreading it, it actually has not been bad.

The mind is kept busy. You are in a mad routine and whereas of late I had perhaps too much time to ponder things which got me way down, I feel more balanced now. ... Tired out though. It takes time to get used to that level of business again...and having to be super organised.

What I said before about Patrick's death always being with me, still stands. It is and always will be but what I guess I mean is that there are times that trigger memories, feelings, images - very unpleasant ones. That does not mean though that this stays with you for hours...they might be just split seconds where you get a pang of sadness and then you carry on what you were doing.

What triggers this can be anything, something nice like a big flock of birds or something gut wrenching like an ambulance speeding past or news like those at the weekend when two little girls died while walking with their dad.You are reminded then of your own history and your heart breaks for them because you know what they are going through.

Really, going to work has forced my mind to stay busy and prevented it from wandering to dark places in my mind. That is a good thing.

It was a busy first week which ended in me doing the 8K Limerick Mini Marathon in UL. I am proud to say that I ran it in 50 mins and 15 secs. Never thought I would ever be a runner. When I took it up and struggled to keep going at times, I would tell myself that if Patrick could die all by himself, it should be a doddle for me to push on another half kilometer. That is how I gradually pushed on further and further.

Thanks Sproggy...looking forward to your help with next years Great Limerick Run.

Love ya lots!!!


Thursday 11 October 2012

The Sproggy-nox...

The day that Patrick will have been gone as long as he was with us for. Frightening to think that this will happen so soon. November 16th is the day.

It will be almost 2 years since he died then.

Still: It does not feel real; even at this stage. It seems so long since I last held him, yet time has flown. I still have not really figured out who I am anymore; I only know I am not the same. 

On the surface, I function well enough. I get up. Things get done. As of this week once more, I go to work. I took up running. I look well, I am told. Well...tis a good distraction to what's going on inside, isn't it? You get on with life, because you have to. As someone once said, you put on your face as you go out the door and just get on with it.

But underneath that, Patrick is always in my thoughts. Many times throughout the day I ask myself if it really did happen and if so, how? Sometimes, I wonder was he even ever here because it seems so long. There are flashbacks to that day, that realisation I had in Berlin that my son was dying or more probably already dead. I relive that panic at some point or another most days. Every time an ambulance races past me on my walk, I freeze and imagine Patrick in it with the paramedics frantically working to save him.

That is what the last almost 2 years have been like for me. This is my new normal. Amidst the good times, the laughter, Eoghan and other blessings, there is always that...and it will never go away. Sometimes, it gets the better of me and it gets too much.

Of late, I had really been struggling. Perhaps unsurprisingly, work is proving a distraction. A welcome one at that. Less time for the mind to ponder and wander to dark places. Still feeling somewhat fragile and teetering near enough to the edge at times though. But as they say, there is no getting over, under or around grief....you can only go through it. Put on your outdoor face and take on each day as best as you can...because I feel I owe it to Sproggy to make the best of life. We do only get this one shot at it and as much as it sucks at times, I need to live for the things that we can be grateful for...And there are so many.

xxx