Hands up who has heard the following after losing a loved one, in particular perhaps a child or spouse? Or perhaps thought this of someone who has lost someone?:
1. You are so strong!
2. How do you keep going?
3. I cannot imagine being in your shoes.
4. How do you get out of bed in the morning?
In my own personal experience of losing my son, I have concluded for myself that the imagined reality of losing a child can perhaps be "worse-different" (my own word creation) than the actual reality of living it.
I have been there...before and after. Once I became a mother, watching programs on TV about losing a child/something horrible happening to children/sick children would make me look at Patrick, my healthy, gorgeous boy and shudder. While it might have upset me before as well, it hit me at a whole new different level. I could not imagine what it would be like if this or that happened to him. Surely, I would no longer be able to function. Like, when you hear of a cot death, you immediately think of your own and picture them in that circumstance and your brain goes into a meltdown.
As absolutely horrible, life-changing and detrimental Patrick's death has been to me, living with this reality is strangely not as horrendously bad as I would have previously imagined this situation to be. (Speaking from my own experience only!)
You see...I do not have a choice. Like it or not...this is my new normal. I did not get to decide on this or opt out of it. I have to learn to live with it and once we get thrown into situations, we tend to adapt...at our own pace.
1. I may appear strong but what else am I supposed to do? I sometimes do not want to have to be strong but life keeps on happening around me and pulls me with it. The cracks are there all the same ... don't let that fool you. Half the time, I am only half-present, mentally. The other half I am not sure who I am anymore and seem to wander aimlessly on this strange path learning something new about the new me.
2. You have got to keep going. There is no choice. The sun comes up every morning like before. Even though, as my husband so aptly put it, you are angry that the sun did come up the day after. How dare the world keep turning when it just ground to a halt for you? How dare the birds keep chirping? Hadn't they heard?
3. Imagining going through something like this, wondering, what you would do if this happened to your child...I think is traumatic enough in its own right. If I meet people and they hear about Patrick and I see the shock and sadness in their eyes, I know that they will most likely, at least for a while, re-evaluate their own life. They will think of their kids and hug them that bit tighter that night, thanking God they are OK. I know that is what I would have done/do.
4. You put one foot in front of the other and keep plodding along. Some days are good, some bad, some outright horrible.
But...I now tend to try and be more grateful for the time we had with
Patrick, remembering his life and not just his death. I am grateful for
the way his brother came along so quickly and indeed, for being able to
have another healthy baby in the first place. I am thankful that I have my husband, my rock, my friend and my shoulder to cry on. And for being able to be his (smaller) rock when he needs it. I believe I would
struggle more if it was not for him and Eoghan.
Things could have been and could be so much worse. I try and remember that when this huge sense of loss tries to get the better of me at times.
Tuesday 24 April 2012
Friday 20 April 2012
Sproggy working his magic
Patrick's bag is still down in the creche along with his other belongings. It is one of those things...it has not yet felt right to bring those things home.
We have, however, spent a good while looking for a second bag. I had given up at this point thinking that it was an item in the touristy shops that just had been and gone.
But...the other day in Liffey Valley, I spotted them. I was on my way to the car to get on the road home but had to run back into the shopping centre. I saw something across the way in a shop and though it looked like the bag.
Well...I nearly took out two people with the buggy as I sprinted across to get into that shop. Low and behold...there they were. Decided to pick up two.
It was actually quite emotional finding them after all this time and I could have dissolved into tears there and then. I am sure Sproggy had a hand in me finding them. Thanks Sproggy. :)
Saturday 14 April 2012
Life with a subsequent child
All throughout the pregnancy, I had been fretting over what it would be like having another baby in the house. I wrote about the loss of my innocence and confidence. Would I ever be able to go walking with the buggy like I used to, like I saw people do wondering: "How would you ever know if they just slipped away and died on the way?!" What if he looked like Patrick? What if he would not?
So, how has it been?
Eoghan has turned out to be equally placid as his big brother. Very little bother with him at all. There are times and pictures, where the two boys look very alike and I do take comfort in that. I like to think that part of Patrick lives on in his younger sibling.
I just hope that I never give him the feeling that he is growing up in the shadow of his dead older brother...if that makes any sense. I know he is his own little person and I must not ever forget to treat him as such. I cannot imagine I ever would, so why are those thoughts even running through my head? Perhaps it is because there are days when it feels like it never happened. We never had a child, who died. My head seems to temporarily go into a denial mode and pretend as though this is all a first. First baby home, happy families, all is rosy...but which one? Is it Patrick or Eoghan? Sometimes one, sometimes the other; I guess.
Again, this is all on a very subconscious level...split seconds of thoughts. But! I am aware of them and because I am, I think that while part of Patrick might live on in Eoghan, Eoghan will always be his own little person and cannot be compared to his brother beyond the usual way parents will compare siblings.
Surprisingly, for me, I was less anxious about looking after Eoghan than I thought I would be. A lot less, in fact. He sleeps beside us, in an Armsreach Co Sleeper and that probably explains the peaceful nights sleep we have been getting since his arrival. Since the day we brought him home and he moved into the co-sleeper, I have been going to sleep holding his little hand. It has become a comfort thing for me more so than him as he quite happily goes to sleep without either of us having to stay by his side until he drifts off. I like having him close.
I find I regained that confidence. I walk with him. He naps in his buggy and I am not worried every second of every moment that something might happen.
Oddly, while I was not very nervous at the start, I can feel myself becoming more worried and anxious nowadays. Not all the time, but every now and then.
Like...what if it happens again?
What if he does not wake up in the morning?
Not sure what that means. Perhaps the anxiety will naturally peak when he is the same age his brother passed away at and slowly begin to subside afterwards?
One surprising thing I have learned about myself now: I cannot stand looking at him sleeping in a cot. Not entirely sure why but the one night he did sleep in a one recently, I did not sleep well and could not bear looking at him in it. It reminded me too much of the last images I have of Patrick in a cot...at his wake. I actually nearly went cuckoo looking at him. The next night, we changed sleeping arrangements and I felt better.
So...life with a subsequent child is full of surprises. What you fret about before, may not be an issue in the end while other things crop up and knock you sideways completely out of the blue. Overall though, having this little chap here with us, seeing him grow, seeing him smile and develop his personality...this all makes me feel very grateful. We could not imagine life without him and we can just hope that life will not throw us another curve ball...
So, how has it been?
Eoghan has turned out to be equally placid as his big brother. Very little bother with him at all. There are times and pictures, where the two boys look very alike and I do take comfort in that. I like to think that part of Patrick lives on in his younger sibling.
I just hope that I never give him the feeling that he is growing up in the shadow of his dead older brother...if that makes any sense. I know he is his own little person and I must not ever forget to treat him as such. I cannot imagine I ever would, so why are those thoughts even running through my head? Perhaps it is because there are days when it feels like it never happened. We never had a child, who died. My head seems to temporarily go into a denial mode and pretend as though this is all a first. First baby home, happy families, all is rosy...but which one? Is it Patrick or Eoghan? Sometimes one, sometimes the other; I guess.
Again, this is all on a very subconscious level...split seconds of thoughts. But! I am aware of them and because I am, I think that while part of Patrick might live on in Eoghan, Eoghan will always be his own little person and cannot be compared to his brother beyond the usual way parents will compare siblings.
Surprisingly, for me, I was less anxious about looking after Eoghan than I thought I would be. A lot less, in fact. He sleeps beside us, in an Armsreach Co Sleeper and that probably explains the peaceful nights sleep we have been getting since his arrival. Since the day we brought him home and he moved into the co-sleeper, I have been going to sleep holding his little hand. It has become a comfort thing for me more so than him as he quite happily goes to sleep without either of us having to stay by his side until he drifts off. I like having him close.
I find I regained that confidence. I walk with him. He naps in his buggy and I am not worried every second of every moment that something might happen.
Oddly, while I was not very nervous at the start, I can feel myself becoming more worried and anxious nowadays. Not all the time, but every now and then.
Like...what if it happens again?
What if he does not wake up in the morning?
Not sure what that means. Perhaps the anxiety will naturally peak when he is the same age his brother passed away at and slowly begin to subside afterwards?
One surprising thing I have learned about myself now: I cannot stand looking at him sleeping in a cot. Not entirely sure why but the one night he did sleep in a one recently, I did not sleep well and could not bear looking at him in it. It reminded me too much of the last images I have of Patrick in a cot...at his wake. I actually nearly went cuckoo looking at him. The next night, we changed sleeping arrangements and I felt better.
So...life with a subsequent child is full of surprises. What you fret about before, may not be an issue in the end while other things crop up and knock you sideways completely out of the blue. Overall though, having this little chap here with us, seeing him grow, seeing him smile and develop his personality...this all makes me feel very grateful. We could not imagine life without him and we can just hope that life will not throw us another curve ball...
Friday 13 April 2012
Patrick's Birthday
How do you deal with a birthday under these circumstances? Having spoken to other parents in the same boat, it always seems to involve balloons and possibly chinese lanterns.
It is a hard day to face, no doubt. Emotionally very challenging. You may not feel like doing anything but eventually, you will come up with something that will become a little family routine for the rest of your life.
I think for us it will be releasing balloons at the creche and grave and a family dinner. For sure, we will take this day off always and do something as a family. We want him to be remembered. I know, nobody who ever really knew him would ever forget him but I do have that fear that his memory will fade with time.
There are no words to describe how much I miss this little man.
In the past year, he has had 4 trees planted in his name and a lamb named after him. That just goes to show how much people care and for us, his parents, that means a lot.
Sproggy, the lamb, as it was last year. I am sure it has grown big and strong by now.
Patrick's tree at the crèche. It was planted the day of the first anniversary of his death. A lot of our friends were gathered at the crèche for it.
Patrick's Patch in the crèche...a wall space dedicated to our little man, decorated with loads of stuff. We were moved beyond tears when we saw it for the first time. It is hard looking at it because it makes it all so real but it was so lovely of the girls to have done this.
It is a hard day to face, no doubt. Emotionally very challenging. You may not feel like doing anything but eventually, you will come up with something that will become a little family routine for the rest of your life.
I think for us it will be releasing balloons at the creche and grave and a family dinner. For sure, we will take this day off always and do something as a family. We want him to be remembered. I know, nobody who ever really knew him would ever forget him but I do have that fear that his memory will fade with time.
There are no words to describe how much I miss this little man.
In the past year, he has had 4 trees planted in his name and a lamb named after him. That just goes to show how much people care and for us, his parents, that means a lot.
Sproggy, the lamb, as it was last year. I am sure it has grown big and strong by now.
Patrick's tree at the crèche. It was planted the day of the first anniversary of his death. A lot of our friends were gathered at the crèche for it.
Patrick's Patch in the crèche...a wall space dedicated to our little man, decorated with loads of stuff. We were moved beyond tears when we saw it for the first time. It is hard looking at it because it makes it all so real but it was so lovely of the girls to have done this.
Titanic 100 Anniversary
Just a few days ago I saw a program about the aftermath of the sinking of the Titanic on April 14 1912. It focused on how they dealt with the recovery of bodies.
One of the bodies recovered by the recovery ship was that of a 3 year old little boy (the only child to be recovered, I believe), blond, curly hair. As instructed, the recovery team burnt his clothes but kept the shoes as an item that may help identify him upon return to Halifax. He was never identified. The recovery ships crew paid for this little boys funeral in Halifax from the reward money they received from John Jacob Astors son for bringing home his fathers body.
It filled me with great sadness to think that there was nobody in the whole world to claim this small boy. Perhaps all his family went down with the ship. A whole family wiped out. Nobody to miss him or look for him.
I guess, the description of him as a blond, curly haired tot just struck a cord with me...seeing that Patrick was much the same...blond and curly haired. I do hope that he was reunited with his loved one and was moved to hear that the crew helped give him a proper burial.
One of the bodies recovered by the recovery ship was that of a 3 year old little boy (the only child to be recovered, I believe), blond, curly hair. As instructed, the recovery team burnt his clothes but kept the shoes as an item that may help identify him upon return to Halifax. He was never identified. The recovery ships crew paid for this little boys funeral in Halifax from the reward money they received from John Jacob Astors son for bringing home his fathers body.
It filled me with great sadness to think that there was nobody in the whole world to claim this small boy. Perhaps all his family went down with the ship. A whole family wiped out. Nobody to miss him or look for him.
I guess, the description of him as a blond, curly haired tot just struck a cord with me...seeing that Patrick was much the same...blond and curly haired. I do hope that he was reunited with his loved one and was moved to hear that the crew helped give him a proper burial.
A Stroll For Sproggy
To do something useful, I guess, we decided at the start of the year to take part in the Great Limerick Run and raise funds for the SUDC. The husband, in a stroke of genius, came up with the name: A Stroll For Sproggy
Once we told people, it just snowballed. Loads have come out to support us and walk with us.
Niall Colgan Hairdressing (best hairdressers in the region as far as I am concerned!)
Little Treasures Creche
Power-One peoples
Family and Friends
These are just some of the folks who are walking with us.
Eoghan will have his own t-shirt to wear on the day and we are looking forward to doing this.
We hope we raise a good bit for research. I really hope some day we get to a point where we know what triggers SUDC and perhaps even how to spot signs and prevent it.
http://cjsids.donorpages.com/SUDCStars/StephanieOLoughlin/
Makes me feel like we are doing something when we feel so utterly useless in the face of it all....
Once we told people, it just snowballed. Loads have come out to support us and walk with us.
Niall Colgan Hairdressing (best hairdressers in the region as far as I am concerned!)
Little Treasures Creche
Power-One peoples
Family and Friends
These are just some of the folks who are walking with us.
Eoghan will have his own t-shirt to wear on the day and we are looking forward to doing this.
We hope we raise a good bit for research. I really hope some day we get to a point where we know what triggers SUDC and perhaps even how to spot signs and prevent it.
http://cjsids.donorpages.com/SUDCStars/StephanieOLoughlin/
Makes me feel like we are doing something when we feel so utterly useless in the face of it all....
So Where Are We Now?
Unbelievably, it has already been over one year since Patrick passed away. Eoghan is already almost 6 months old. And man, they do look alike a lot of the times.
Patrick
Eoghan
Time seems to go by so incredibly fast. When did that begin to happen? I still remember when time seemed to be in such plentiful supply...when summers were endless. When did that change?
Where are we now though?
A hard question to answer. Personally, I feel that a lot of the times, I am still in some sort of a haze. Days go by, I do what I do and what needs to be done. I laugh, I have good times...life just drags me along with it and I could not say that I am living in doom and gloom all of the time...But...
There is an underlying sadness and pain that has become part of my life now that was not there before. Life does go on but after the initial shock and time following the funeral, this is the feeling that has moved into my life. Slowly, I am trying to learn how to live with that underlying pain. Sometimes, it hurts a lot, other times it is just a niggle but it is always there.
People always ask; "How are you?" and I am surprised how quickly the standard answer "Grand sure" seems to roll from my tongue. What else can you say? Aren't we "grand"...by and large? We are but these days that sense of loss and that pain, the longing for one more hug, the fear of forgetting, the realisation of "crap...this really did happen" is always there...Lurking behind each "brave" smile.
I don't think it is something that will ever go away.
I do not think it will ever hurt less.
I do think that we will get better at living with it.
But Christ...it does hurt.
Patrick
Eoghan
Time seems to go by so incredibly fast. When did that begin to happen? I still remember when time seemed to be in such plentiful supply...when summers were endless. When did that change?
Where are we now though?
A hard question to answer. Personally, I feel that a lot of the times, I am still in some sort of a haze. Days go by, I do what I do and what needs to be done. I laugh, I have good times...life just drags me along with it and I could not say that I am living in doom and gloom all of the time...But...
There is an underlying sadness and pain that has become part of my life now that was not there before. Life does go on but after the initial shock and time following the funeral, this is the feeling that has moved into my life. Slowly, I am trying to learn how to live with that underlying pain. Sometimes, it hurts a lot, other times it is just a niggle but it is always there.
People always ask; "How are you?" and I am surprised how quickly the standard answer "Grand sure" seems to roll from my tongue. What else can you say? Aren't we "grand"...by and large? We are but these days that sense of loss and that pain, the longing for one more hug, the fear of forgetting, the realisation of "crap...this really did happen" is always there...Lurking behind each "brave" smile.
I don't think it is something that will ever go away.
I do not think it will ever hurt less.
I do think that we will get better at living with it.
But Christ...it does hurt.
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